Part 4 - Just Do It

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I needed a safe space before I had the emotional health to make it happen.


As an adult, I experienced the value of such a space during periods of separation/divorce―even though I didn’t matter, I had my own bedroom, thus my own space. But as soon as I moved into another relationship I lost it and, in not mattering, I didn’t establish a safe place anywhere.

Whether I felt deserving or not, whether I had time or not, whether I mattered or not, I should have at least acknowledged that: looking after myself was important if I wanted to adequately deal with life.

Knowledge is powerful. Many told me I had to look after myself if I wanted to properly look after my kids. I believed this was true, but I did nothing about it. I allowed myself to carry on in a way I knew was unhealthy… because it was easy.

What? Easy? Yeah. It’s hard to change, to stand up for yourself when you’ve never done it. Although I lacked self-worth, I could have used my mind. Logic over feelings. Knowledge over beliefs. I had experienced the benefit of having my own space―I knew its value.

I don’t like ‘should,’ but in this case it’s the right word. I should have thought about what I needed and made it happen purely because I knew it was important. I hate to admit this, but it’s my own fault that my needs weren’t met. I ran on feelings and the inner voices. So, I didn’t have a place that was mine, that felt safe. A coffee shop. A mall. A park. I should have made it happen.

Your safe space doesn’t have to be perfect; it just has to be yours. You have to be firm - no one is allowed to invade your space. Boundaries have to be established and you have to enforce them.

Unfortunately, there are no easy answers. When we come from hurt, it’s hard to get past it. But it’s possible. And a safe place is an important piece of the puzzle. So, make it happen. You matter!

If you’re trapped in an abusive relationship, setting up a safe space isn’t enough. You have to get out.

 

www.aliecardet.com

From Thorns, published 2022, follows the life of someone caught in the cycle of abuse.

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