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Part 4 - Just Do It

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I needed a safe space before I had the emotional health to make it happen. As an adult, I experienced the value of such a space during periods of separation/divorce―even though I didn’t matter, I had my own bedroom, thus my own space. But as soon as I moved into another relationship I lost it and, in not mattering, I didn’t establish a safe place anywhere. Whether I felt deserving or not, whether I had time or not, whether I mattered or not, I should have at least acknowledged that: looking after myself was important if I wanted to adequately deal with life. Knowledge is powerful. Many told me I had to look after myself if I wanted to properly look after my kids. I believed this was true, but I did nothing about it. I allowed myself to carry on in a way I knew was unhealthy… because it was easy. What? Easy? Yeah. It’s hard to change, to stand up for yourself when you’ve never done it. Although I lacked self-worth, I could have used my mind. Logic over feelings. Knowledge over
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Part 3 - The road to healing

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How do we go from ‘I don’t matter’ to ‘I do matter?’ We all have unique character traits, temperaments, personalities, learning styles, and world views. These factors, along with many others I’m sure, lead us to perceive and process differently. One person may have to simply be told they matter, after years of being told the opposite. Others, like myself, have a hard time repositioning from the messages that were programmed into us. In my case, with years and years of counselling under my belt, I knew a lot of the right answers. But it took a spiritual encounter for me to realize I mattered. Unfortunately, the realization wasn’t enough. I recognized it intellectually but I didn’t feel it, which means I didn’t really believe it. Sometime after this awareness, a situation took me back into counselling. My therapist led me through a process called brainspotting where I re-experienced past, buried trauma. (I talk about brainspotting in a separate blog.) Through this technique I experien
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Part 2 - Before I could create a safe place...

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     I love my safe place. Before I could set up a space that was mine, a place to go when I needed to hide from threats and attacks, I had to believe it was important to look after myself . We don’t need to protect something that doesn’t matter. I want to keep my old photos safe―the pictures of my grandparents are irreplaceable. But I don’t care about protecting my cleaning supplies. Shop for groceries, cook the meals, clean the house … is this what makes me worth the air I breathe? What is it about me that matters? Fulfilling those roles, and many others, for my children and husband seemed important. They needed these things done. It mattered. For many years, that’s what defined me. Since it took significant time and energy, there wasn’t time left over for me. I wouldn’t be so selfish as to put my needs ahead of the needs of others. I look at that belief now and shake my head. Why would my needs be inferior to anyone else’s? I have health problems that could have been avoid
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My Safe Place

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Do you have a safe place? A place that’s just yours… where you can go when you’re feeling threatened. When someone is demanding too much. Or trying to control you. When you’ve been told what’s wrong with you, or it’s been implied. When you’re hurting and you need to be left alone. For as long as I can remember, I wanted somewhere to hide away. Not just to escape the kids or have some rest. I needed to feel safe. I finally have that place. I have a big comfy chair. I have a blanket and pillows and a stuffy; and books if I want to read, and a TV if I need to vegetate, and a speaker if I think music will help. I can curl up in that chair, wrapped in the blanket, knowing I won’t be interrupted, and allow my mind to go wherever it needs to. Well, doesn’t that sound perfect? We usually can’t have perfect though. What if the person(s) we live with won’t respect our need to be alone? When I look back over the years, I wonder―could I have built a place that was just mine? Maybe I should have l
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